Trees and FH

This sweetie wanted to decorate her Grandma Bell's tree this year. She is so tender and sweet when it comes to her Grandma Bell.

 

Recently she also asked me if I would help her find green temples. I love that she wanted to!!

So, I let her guide me on Family Search, I told her our family names and she picked where we went. We worked for maybe an hour and she found 17 green temples!! She was thrilled!

Mom's birthday

Momma Bell's birthday.

This is how we celebrate.

@ Dads

Rhett and Kristi are moving to SLC and Jeff's parents have been down to their house every weekend finishing their basement and working on their house to get it to sale. Jeff really wanted to go help. So, he and Tim went to Richfield and the rest of us visited Dad and then later we went on to Ogden. But while we were visiting dad, I took these pics.
Dad's new project, he's making for his friends, the Cazines.

Then we looked through Mom's old jewelry. Dad said he bought this for her years and years ago. It's a Mercury head dime put into a necklace, he said he loved it when he saw it and bought it and then even better she loved it just as much.

This one is a half dollar that's had the middle piece cut out. Dad said they bought it together from some guy on the street in San Francisco.

This is her ruby ring. I remember when dad bought this for her. She loved it so much. She wore it almost every Sunday and any other occasion she could find. Becky always says I have Mom's hands, but her hands were dainty and pretty and mine aren't like that. Still, it was fun trying on her things.

Mom and Dad's class rings. Her mother's ring- bottom right. The black hills gold Dad kept buying for her, even though she didn't really like it. haha. I don't really care for it either. She has a couple sapphire rings, Dad always wanted to get her a sapphire ring as pretty as the ruby one, but none of them lived up to the ruby ring.

This is Mom's necklace I wore on my wedding day. :)

And more old pictures we found...

LOVE this one.

Mom and Dad in the 2nd grade.

Mom's endowment day

When I was looking through Mom's book and at all the old pictures, I found these from her endowment day.

So much to say

My girl is talking so much these days. So many tender mercies with her speech. When you compare where we were a year ago and where we are now I can hardly believe the difference.

Tonight she told me: "Me want to feel you mom."

I couldn't quite understand the word feel so she repeated it a few times but it kept coming out "fit". Finally she put her hands on my arms and ran them down to my hands. "Me want to FEEL you Mom" she said again. 

And then she asked me "why she still died?"
That question was a little harder to answer as we just talked a lot about the miracle of Easter. 

A Gift

When I grow up I want to be like Heidi. :)
Tuesday was a hard day. December 15th. It's always hard. It's the day I lost my Mom.
This year it was a Tuesday. She died on a Tuesday, 6 years ago.

I had a plan.
Serve.
Sydney had school in the morning and then she was going home with a friend, so I could work at the soup kitchen all day.

Heidi asked me to come by school early.
She said she had a gift for me, but she was nervous to give it to me.
She felt prompted to make me this. She enlisted help from my sister, Kris and for that help she made Kris a gift too--and in the end all of my siblings and my dad.

I loved it. It was perfect for this day. A beautiful ornament with my mom smiling at me and a message from her--in her own handwriting too.

I am so grateful for friends who love me. For people who think about her too. For inspiration. For a loving Heavenly Father who has given me the family and friends I am blessed with.

72

Mom's birthday.
I love her so much.
Her birthday was a good day. Sydney first primary program. Landon's last. Tim blessed the sacrament. Ron and Kathy came for the program and had dinner with us.
I thought of her lovingly and gratefully.
And of course we celebrated with Mom's favorites. :)

Mom's peach cobbler

When I make a recipe that my mom always made and even better when it's written on a card in her handwriting, I almost feel like she's there baking with me. It makes me so happy. I miss her so much right now and with every bite of that fattening dessert I thought of her. It was bliss. 

Grandma drawing

Sydney drew this picture and then told me, "Mom's mom." She's a little obsessed with Papa being my dad and Angel Grandma being my mom. She doesn't do it as much with Jeff's parent's, but she realizes that they are his mom and dad. I think I'm just around more for her to make the connection.
But I loved that she drew my momma.

10 years ago...

Yes I know seth's birthday post is over but my sister sent me this picture of her with Seth and mom and I had to post it. I love how mom is looking at him. She sure loved her Atkinson boys.

Loving Grandma

Last week I caught Sydney singing to my mom's picture. She'll often look at it or pick it up. But she was singing to it and then she picked it up and kissed and hugged it.

I love that she recognizes that her Grandma is special and that she loves her.

Grandma Blanket

My sweet friend Samantha gave me a birthday present a couple weeks ago and in it she added this blanket that my mom made for her Logan when he was born. 

When we got home Sydney took it out of the bag and claimed it.

She's been sleeping with it and snuggling up with it ever since.

Happy Birthday Momma

70

Today would have been my mom's 70th birthday.

70!

I cannot imagine her that old. She never looked old until she got sick. She never really got the chance to be old. She had probably 3 gray hairs on her entire head.

I was thinking about this mark though--7-0.

That's a big deal.

We would have all gotten together.

We would have partied, Bell style.

Kris would have made her a cake.

Becky would have written a poem.

I would have made some picture arraignment.

Greg would have... come! Haha. That's all she needed from our brother. She adored him, his presence would merely be enough.

And we would have watched our family video. It starts with a young Bell family, long before I was born and goes all the way into Will's birth. There's no sound. And we all laugh and make the same comments every single time we watch it.

I love it.

She loved it.

 

Instead, I'll make her favorite meal {hamburgers & pepsi} and we'll talk about her. We'll talk about how much we love her and how much we miss her. We'll talk about how special she was and how we all feel like better people because we knew her. Because we were loved by here.

And I'll cry... and cry.

Because as happy as I am.

I miss her.

And on days like this one... errr, months like this one, I cry. A lot. And that's okay too. It's part of life. It feels so bitter because it tasted so sweet.

And I wouldn't trade it for anything.  

Regrets & Gratitude

When someone you love incredibly. Fiercely. Dies--it's easy to find yourself lost and completely full of regrets.

It's been 3 years since my mom passed and there are some things I still can't get over. Things that I did or didn't do. I can't tell you how I wish I could go back in time to change them.

I'd pay any amount.
I'd relive... oh I don't know, childbirth.
But there are somethings I wouldn't give up, too.
I don't think about those things when I'm wishing I could go back in time though.

I think about my regrets everyday and though some people would find them trivial or silly. They are big enough to me that a few I haven't admitted to anyone else.

I am normally a positive gal.
And just because I have regrets and bad hours... days, doesn't mean I'm ungrateful, because really I am.

Our Primary president asked me to talk to the primary kids this Sunday about my mom and about how grateful I am for the Resurrection. And I am. More now than ever, I am.

I've been a little worried about this. I, of course said yes. But I cried as I said it. I'm hoping I can bring the spirit to that primary meeting. I'm hoping that I don't traumatize those sweet, small children by breaking down like an idiot.

One of my regrets that I haven't found the courage or the tact to tell anyone is that my sweet, beautiful mother was the only other person in my family to share my love for the Gospel and yet I didn't nearly enough ask her for her opinion or testimony about things. It's special when you love someone and believe so passionately the same thing. You can share sacred, special moments. We didn't have nearly enough of those. And that was my fault.

I AM grateful for the Resurrection though. And I will see my momma again. I will hold her. I will kiss her. And then we'll play a game of Racko or something silly we used to do. She's my angel. And I will have her back.

Salt & Pepper Santa

When I was little one of my favorite Christmas decorations of my mom's were these little plastic salt and pepper shakers. She had a Santa & Mrs. Clause, a Mr. & Mrs. Snowman and a Mr. & Mrs. Gingerbread Man. I'd sit by her end tables, where she sat them and play and play with them.

A few years ago my mom gave me a few of her old Christmas decorations among them the Mr. & Mrs. Clause.

Sydney likes to play with them too. :)

Yeah, she's making them kiss. haha.

O cute girl.

It's been 3 years

Three years ago my sweet little mother left this earth.

It's never been the same.

My life is changed. So many things I don't get to say or do.

I'll never see her with this little girl of mine.

The other day Sydney sat next to my mom's Christmas tree and pointed to her grandma's picture and then she started to kiss it. She kissed it half a dozen times! It was adorable. And it made me cry my eyes out.

Remembering  her Angel grandma

 

I can't really put into words how much I miss my mom.

I can't explain how my heart aches for my children.

It's the way life is, I hate it, but I'm grateful everyday for the mother I had, even if she didn't get to be here as long as I would have hoped.

50 years

Today would have been my parent's 50th Wedding Anniversary.

I need a wedding picture of them... I thought  I had one, but I don't.

So, here they are going to a dance I think.

At a reunion with me in the womb :)

Christmas. All of us girls went together and bought them a trip to Vegas to see their favorite America's Got Talent winner.

Tiffany's Wedding (Lake Tahoe)

In the hospital before mom passed away.

November 10, 1962 my parents were married. They were married in my Grandmother's living room. My Aunt Barb was my mom's maid of honor (not her choice, my grandma's). Their colors were fall colors. She wore my Aunt Virgie's dress and she looked stunning. She was tiny, around 90lbs.

My parents had their struggles, their share of hard times, but I never doubted their love for one another. My mom worked to make a nice home for our family. She always served up a beautiful meal, one way she told my dad, really all of us that she loved him/us. And he always thanked her.

They held hands, they kissed. They weren't afraid to show their love for each other. They were a good example to me.